It Gets Better
by Yellowbrie3
Summary: Emily is struggling with life, her mother, her sexuality just plain anything and no one seems to notice. Who's going to be the one to save her?*Trigger Warnings* Jemily friendship at first with eventual slash.
1. Chapter 1

It Gets Better

I do not own Criminal Minds, just borrowing the characters for a while.

 **Trigger warnings in every chapter for this one**. I've had a really rough go the past few weeks so instead of reverting back to my olds ways I decided to write about it…

Chapter 1

I never wear short sleeves to work anymore, but no one has seemed to notice that. I think JJ may start to notice soon since the warmer weather is coming, so I guess I'm going to have to figure something out.

JJ and I have been spending less and less time together, I miss the blonde but I am certainly not good enough for her. I'm broody, closed off, punchy, ugly, a closet lesbian and my mother hates me. I come with a ton of baggage that I just don't want to pour onto the younger woman.

I'm broken from my thoughts when the blonde appears at my desk.

"Hey Em we've got a case, it's a bad one, skipped me and went right to Hotch" I barely even hear her once I notice the outfit she's wearing. She had on a black pencil skirt with a slit up the side, and a tight white shirt that hugged her in all the right places. I followed her into the conference room and awaited to hear "wheels up in 30."

The team would be traveling down to New Orleans and I was dreading it. I especially did not want to see or work with Detective LaMontagne again, he's an arrogant prick who had no idea how to treat Jennifer. Unfortunately the man had no clue and was still crushing on JJ, they had one or two dates and he thought he was in love. JJ wasn't into him she had told me that she swung both ways, he just wasn't' the guy for her.

My heart smiled when she told me that. Don't get me wrong I want the blonde to be happy but he was far too controlling for JJ, she's independent, caring and sweet. Basically everything I am not. I sighed after looking at JJ for a moment before returning to the case file in my lap.

We touched down in New Orleans around 9:30am and immediately got to work. JJ was right about this case. It was gruesome, mothers and their children were being taken and tortured. The mothers were being left on the street dazed and confused, while their children were being killed and buried throughout the town.

The case was gruesome, there were a couple times when I almost lost my dinner from the night before.

Thankfully the case was solved quickly, the team had decided to leave in the morning due to the violent rainstorm that was blowing in. Unfortunately upon reaching the hotel the team found out they would have to double up on rooms; Hotch, Rossi & Reid, Garcia and Morgan, and finally JJ and I. My stomach dropped when I found that out, I didn't bring anything long sleeve to sleep in. Maybe I could borrow a sweatshirt from JJ, although with the rain it's kind of warm. We got our room keys and headed our separate ways.

"Hey Em do you want to shower first" the beautiful blonde asked me respectfully.

"No JJ you can go ahead, I think I just want to close my eyes for a few minutes" she nodded without making eye contact, I think she's mad at me for not hanging out with her. The last few times that she has asked me, I've come up with some excuse in order to not go.

Before she jumped in the shower I grabbed her attention "I'm sorry that I haven't been able to hang out much lately" hoping this would spark a conversation.

No worries Em, I've kept busy" she said with a wink, which immediately dropped my friendly smile.

Had she replaced me? Given up on our friendship? I wouldn't be surprised if she did. My friendship was toxic and I was miserable. A beautiful person like JJ would not want someone like me. Instead of asking what she meant by that my shoulders dropped as I just nodded. I knew nothing would ever come of us.

I was never able to keep friendships or a relationship for that matter and JJ was no different.

"Good I'm glad, I think I'm going to go for a walk, enjoy your shower" I rushed out without my phone or purse, I just needed to clear my head. Once I stepped outside the rain wasn't as heavy and slightly hit my flushed face. My wrist burned with desire, desire to take the pain away, take away the sting of rejection and heartbreak. JJ had chosen someone and it was never going to be me.

In that moment when I felt I needed it the most I realized that I had left the shiny silver blade in my purse.

I walked aimlessly for about a half hour, just thinking about anything and everything. How my mother never wanted me and always made it known, how I've only ever been intimate with one person because no one sticks around past the first date. I keep my so-called best friends at arms length; many have tried to crack down the walls I have built around my heart. JJ was very close but I'm sure she figured out that I wasn't going to change and found someone better.

I hadn't even noticed how far I had strayed from the hotel, it was dark now and I had no phone to call a cab so it was time to start my trek back.

When I had finally arrived I dug in my pocket expecting to find my room good, which to no surprise of mine it was nowhere to be found. I knocked on the door a few times, either JJ had fallen asleep or she was with Garcia. After a few more knocks it was obvious that the blonde was not there.

I headed over to the bubbly blonde's room in hopes that JJ could provide me with a spare key. The door was slightly open when I appeared, I heard muffled speaking before I had the chance to knock.

All I could make out was; "I don't know Pen, she's so distant … not … worth it." That was all I needed to hear as tears brimmed in my eyes. JJ had confirmed her worst thoughts I'm not worth anything.

After taking a few moments to calm myself down I gained enough courage to knock on the door doing my best to conceal the tears. Both blondes looked up at my intrusion.

"I'm sorry to interrupt. I forgot my key"

JJ moved swiftly and reached into her back pocket to grab the keychain.

"Where have you been Emster? We've been worried about you" her happy hacker asked.

I knew that wasn't accurate though, they didn't care, no one did.

"Just walking. I'm going to shower. Bye!"

"But…" I was gone before either one had a chance to try and stop me.

Running as fast as I could to get back to the room, tears were streaming down my face as my hand trembled to hold the key steady to open the door.

I slammed the door and grabbed my go-bag. I searched frantically for the razor blade that I knew was stored somewhere at the bottom of the small duffle. Once I discovered the plastic container holding the sharp item I headed to the bathroom and began to undress.

The shower was turned up as hot as it would go, the water cascading down my back as I sat with my knees to my chest. My gaze was focused solely on the wall in front of me while my sharpened tool sat on the ledge.

Millions of words and different phrases ran through my head as I sat there.

"Distant"

"Not worth it"

The words my mother had used frequently when talking about me or my lifestyle.

"Disappointment"

"Worthless"

"Useless"

I hadn't even noticed that the blade was now in my hand. My left wrist laid on top of my leg as I dragged the blade several times across my arm, blood was cascading down and for once the pain wasn't helping. Everything was numb. My body. My brain. My soul.

I couldn't fathom how long I had been in that shower, until I heard three solid knocks at the bathroom door.

"Hey Em, you okay? You've been in there for quite a while" _Shit how long had JJ been back in the room?_

I jumped at the sudden intrusion of her soft voice. My wrist felt numb but my body was beginning to feel dizzy and weak.

My response to JJ is lodged in my throat, the blonde cannot come in here, and she can't see this.

JJ has resorted to banging on the bathroom door. But I still haven't answered.

Once JJ jiggled the handle she realized the door was just stuck and not locker.

"I'm coming in Emily" she burst through the door to find me in the bathtub. Blood was pouring from my left wrist, staring straight ahead, focusing on the crimson water that was filling the bathtub.

"Emily what the fuck!" JJ pulled back the curtain and I barely registered her words but I could feel her hand on my wrist. Surprisingly the blonde remained calm, her old media liaison face in place.

"I'm just going to grab a towel Em and all an ambulance. I need you to put some pressure on your wounds. You're going to be all right. I promise" with that the blonde agent forced my right hand to wrap around my left wrist.

When I heard her say ambulance I knew I needed to find my voice. No one could find out about this.

"P-please n-no ambulance. J-jayje, p-please" the tears were pouring out, JJ now knew my deepest secret, and now she was really going to hate me. See how worthless I was, a coward.

"J-just g-grab a-a towel, I-I know what t-to d-do" I was freezing now, barely able to get words through my chattering teeth.

I looked at the blonde refusing to make eye contact but studied her face for a moment, looking for any sort of disgust. Her lip was tucked between her teeth, a few stray hairs were falling from her ponytail framing her face and her eyes were drawn to my wrist.

She was thinking before she finally spoke "Okay Emily let me help you out of the shower."

The younger woman shut the water off, wrapped the small towel she had grabbed tightly around my wrist. She grabbed ahold of a robe that hung from the back of the door to cover my scarred body.

JJ guided me over to the toilet and put the seat down so I could sit. "I'm just going to grab some clothes from your go-bag and the first aid kit" she kissed my forehead gently before exiting the room.

Five minutes later she returned. I was sitting on the toilet staring straight ahead again.

"Open your eyes Emily" JJ was on the floor kneeling in front of me. She moved some hair from my face, her blue eyes shining with fresh tears.

"Why would you do this to yourself Emily? Marr this perfect skin, what's hurting so bad that you have to take it out on yourself?"

I refused to meet her eyes fearing the shame, disgust & disappointment I would find there. "I'm sorry JJ"

The blonde reached up to cup my cheek forcing me to look at her. "You have nothing to be sorry for Em. I'm sorry that I didn't notice sooner, I could have helped you" her touch on my face warmed my heart a little as I leaned into her palm.

"It's okay Jen, I know people don't really want to be around a toxic person" the younger agent looked as though she'd been slapped by my words.

"You stop that right now Emily Elizabeth, you are so far from toxic, you're perfect to me, maybe a little guarded but that's okay. You're beautiful, intelligent, quirky & sassy. I love all of these qualities about you. Please let me help you" my breath hitched the moment she said love. I dropped my head to my chest effectively breaking eye contact she could never love me.

"Don't lie to me JJ. Can you just help me patch up and I'll be out of your hair" the blonde began to speak when I cut her off. "Please Jennifer" I rarely ever used her given name so she knew I was serious. The younger agent just nodded and dropped her gaze.

I watched as she moved swiftly to bandage up my self-inflicted wounds. Carefully she helped me to get dressed, dressed my wounds and helped me return to our room.

I laid down finally letting everything hit me about what had happened. JJ knew. Soon everyone would know how much of a failure I was. I tried to hold back the sobs that overtook my body. I just wanted everything to go away. Suddenly I felt the bed shift and slender tanned arms wrapped themselves around my torso.

JJ waited a few moments before I started to relax, "It's okay baby. I'll be right by your side through this. I promise not to let you fall" she pulled me impossibly closer as we both drifted off together.

TBC…please read and review


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: I know I have been away for a very long time but I refuse to abandon my stories. I have a few new ones in the works but first I'm going to update the older ones! This is a very special update and is dedicated to someone who means a whole lot to me and helps me anytime no matter what. She may not have experienced this first hand with me but she certainly knows my past. Even though it's late Happy Birthday! Here's to another wonderful year and many more weeks of updates!**

Chapter 2

The shrill ringing of her cell phone is what woke the agents the next morning.

"Agent Jareau" she answered with a low voice, her mouth dry from crying herself to sleep over Emily.

"Good morning JJ, wheels up in an hour."

Okay Hotch. I'll let Emily know." The blonde decided to let the brunette sleep a little bit longer while she packed their stuff. She looked at her friend sleeping with a frown etched on her beautiful face and wondered how it had gotten to this point.

The bandages on her arm needed to be changed as soon as the brunette woke up. JJ knew this was going to be a long journey with the brunette. She could not let this slide for too long, unfortunately if the team found out they wouldn't trust Emily and would definitely put Hotch in a tough spot.

The brunette was starting to toss and turn in her sleep so JJ slipped behind her and moved her dark hair to whisper in her ear. "Wake up princess, it's only a dream" the older woman whimpered out "JJ" as the blonde hugged her close "I'm right here babe open your eyes for me sweetheart."

"Jennifer?"

"I'm here Emily" the brunette reached back to make sure JJ was there just as the blonde kissed the palm of Emily's hand.

"I had a dream that you were d-d-disgusted with me and that you told the team and l-left me" Emily kept her head down as she spoke but JJ could hear the tears in her voice as she squeezed her a little tighter.

"I promise you Emily I am not going anywhere" she encouraged Emily to roll onto her back so that they were looking at each other. A lone tear slipped down her porcelain cheek that JJ immediately stopped. "I'm not asking you to stop this Em, but I am asking you to let me in." The blonde was not against begging, she knew Emily needed help.

The brunette nodded as JJ continued "we're wheels up in 30 so lets get ready. Our bags are packed, an outfit picked out for you and we need to change your bandage."

At that comment the brunette smirked "wow so domestic Jennifer" she said with a wink as she headed towards the bathroom to get ready.

One the two women were all dressed the last thing to do was change Emily's bandage. The tension in the room was obvious. Emily was nervous and annoyed at herself and Jennifer just couldn't figure out where to begin to help her friend.

JJ raised the brunette's sleeve and braced herself for what she may see. She noticed how high the scars went. Some were deeper than others, others fresher or just forming a scab. JJ could feel her heart breaking for this woman. What had happened that she felt she had no way out? That she had to hurt herself?

Once she finished with the gauze, Emily watched as Jennifer began to leave feather light kisses on each one of her scars till she reached the very top of her clothed shoulder where she left a kiss as well. She finally reached her tear stained cheek where the blonde left a chaste kiss. Emily let out a breath that she had been holding and grabbed the back of JJ's head, which forced their foreheads together. Both sets of eyes were closed and their breathing was heavy. Emily leaned in slowly while the blonde didn't move at all.

Soon enough Emily pressed her lips against JJ's and in that moment the blonde froze. She began to think about everything that could go wrong; work, friendships, and her family, how others would see her now. There were so many things running through her mind that JJ forgot to respond to Emily. Her eyes were wide open but she felt nothing but scared and insecure. Here was this, beautiful, scarred, stubborn woman opening up to JJ but she couldn't respond.

Once Emily realized the blonde wasn't responding she opened her eyes wide with fear and an apology already on the tip of her tongue. She mumbled an "I'm sorry" with tears in her eyes. Jennifer was frozen as Emily grabbed her bags and bolted for the door.

Emily's mind was running rampant, she couldn't understand how she screwed up so bad with her best friend. Now she was going to lose the only real friendship she ever had because she couldn't keep her feelings to herself. She continued running, passing Garcia on the staircase not bothering to stop when she heard the perky blonde yell her name. The only thing on Emily's mind was trying to take the pain away, the memory of her best friend frozen in her spot and not reciprocating her feelings.

Once she was out of the hotel the brunette was able to spot a local value store where she knew she would find what she was looking for. The brunette knew her blonde best friend had removed all the razors after last night and she needed to replenish. The agent walked into the store and grabbed the first pack that she saw, ran to the checkout counter, and located the nearest bathroom. She made two small cuts, one for letting JJ find out her secret and one for kissing JJ and probably losing her best friend for good.

The brunette left the bathroom quickly and made it to the ramp with three minutes to spare. The team looked at her suspiciously when she arrived late but the only one who didn't look up was her favorite blonde who was in the back of the plane. The brunette wanted nothing more than to be held in the blonde's arms the way she was this morning while waking up from a nightmare.

Emily finally took a seat across from JJ and when the blonde finally looked up she gave the brunette a small smile. It wasn't much but it was something. Once in the air the brunette had to use the restroom, she made eye contact with JJ but got up quickly before anything else could happen.

JJ gave Emily 20 seconds before following her not sure if Emily would do anything on the plane. Everyone was asleep so they wouldn't notice the two women. JJ hesitantly knocked on the door and heard the latch unlock. She walked in to find Emily staring at herself in the mirror with a sorrowful look on her face.

"I'm so sorry JJ, I should have never pushed you into anything and I certainly should not have kissed you without your consent" the brunette was shaking with fear silently hoping that her best friend wouldn't just walk away from her.

The blonde softly grabbed the brunette's wrist and rolled up her sleeve noticing the addition of two new cuts. She lifted the slender wrist and kissed to two cuts before looking into dark eyes, her other hand rested gently on pale skin as she leaned on her tiptoes to kiss the older woman. This time both their eyes fluttered shut and they knew this was right.

'I'm right here Emily and I'm not going to leave you" and for the first time in her life Emily felt safe and protected.


End file.
